you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
