Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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