Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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