Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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