i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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