I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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