the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
