Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
