Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
