I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
