My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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