she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
