saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
