I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
