I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
