i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
