I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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