a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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