We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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