You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize