sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize