Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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