Can i not drive my cunt home
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Im part way to drunk.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
