I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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