So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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