I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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