I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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