dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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