Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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