On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
she smelled like a LAN party
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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