she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Found the puke drawer
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
