I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
