I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
