I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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