i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
