Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Boobs speak an international language.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
