I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
