my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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