I could make wine with my vomit
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
