Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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