I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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