If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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