I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
