so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
