My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
