The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize