I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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