I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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