so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
