I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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