Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize