I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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