how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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