the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
