Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
