The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
