I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
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