I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
