when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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