apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize