i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
